No More Chain E-mail, Please?
To all my friends, thanks to you for forwarding me all sorts of chain e-mail letters last year:
I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
I don’t leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay.
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
When I go to parties, I don’t look at any guy no matter how hot he is, for fear that he will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny, that girl, she’s been 7 since 1993….
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special foward some e-mail program.
My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland. I also stopped pumping my own gas for fear that my gas tank would burst into flames. (I’m sitting here in the parking lot, out of gas, sending you this e-mail on my laptop. I’m still using my old cell phone.)
But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you tomorrow at 7:00 p.m. At least, I sure hope so.
Dean Cortez answers:
HAHAHA, you’re an awesome guy, at least you have some sense and speak logic, it’s a long time since i heard something like that. Cheers
To all my online friends!!!?
As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes ’cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their “chickens” are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all – but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.
Dean Cortez answers:
That is great, thanks!!!
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